What’s With All the Yelling? There Is a Gentler Way

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What’s with all the yelling? There is a gentler way. It can’t just be that yelling is the default reaction. On that note, why react at all? Why not respond instead? Why not admit that the other person has feelings, too, and is worth being treated with care?

I’ve been on both sides of the yelling, and I know that yelling doesn’t accomplish anything useful. It’s ultimately a waste. If the other person wasn’t listening anyway, it doesn’t matter if you increased your volume. Also, if the other person didn’t mean to offend you, then yelling doesn’t help things either. It only makes things worse.

Out of a place of pain, there can be forgiveness. I don’t have to stay stuck at yelling or being yelled at. I get to advance beyond that.

For Those Who Have Yelled at Me, I Forgive You

Some of my most painful memories are from when I was yelled at, and that’s no exaggeration. If I had the option for which memories could be removed first, those are the ones I would pick without any hesitation.

Far too many of us so-called adults are stuck being babies, mentally speaking. Throwing a temper tantrum. Having a fit. Vomiting so much negativity all over whoever we can, whenever we can.

Aw, does that feel better now? No. It never does. Not if we’re really honest with ourselves.

What is some of the pain that we inflict on others and on ourselves when we yell at them?

Oh, let me count the ways… We treat them like they don’t matter. We act like they’re beneath us and that we’re far superior to them. At the same time, we put them in a place of power over us and act like we’re the victim. We inflict trauma on them. Yes, it’s traumatic being yelled at, especially with what comes across like a murderous rage.

And that’s just scratching the surface. I prefer not to dwell on all that too much. I’d rather let it go. I’ve spent nearly 31 years allowing myself to be reduced to almost nothing, including by those who have yelled at me.

I’m only a victim if I choose to be. I don’t have to be a victim. I am a creator. There might still be people yelling at me at various times during the rest of my life, but you know what? That doesn’t matter. I don’t have to let any of that define me or limit me any more.

For those who have yelled at me, I forgive you. If you really knew yourself and if you really knew me, you wouldn’t have reflected out your pain in such a way. You would have been gentle about it. You wouldn’t have reacted. You would have responded instead.

You would have known that I didn’t intend to cause you pain. You’re so much bigger than your pain, both real and imagined. You would have seen both of us as a creator. You would have known that your reaction would cause me pain, and you would have been able to do what is best for both of us.

For whatever triggered you, please forgive me and most of all, please forgive yourself. You are not a victim. You are a creator. It is no one’s fault, and no one is a victim. I love you. I bless you. Peace be upon you.

For Those I Have Yelled at, Please Forgive Me

Other of my most painful memories are from when I was the one doing the yelling. If I had the option for which memories could be removed next, I would choose those ones.

For now though, it will have to be enough to think of the memories without any pain attached to them. And that hasn’t been easy.

I’ve been ashamed of how I’ve reacted. I’m aware of the pain I’ve caused others, and I’ve lived long enough to be treated the way I’ve treated others. And it’s kept going on. Round and round again. The cycle of pain has been unbroken. Does it really have to continue?

I know enough about humanity to know where we’re headed. Ultimately, we move beyond acting like infants, and we advance into adulthood. I don’t know how long that takes. I don’t even know if it gets to be during this lifetime. I simply know that it does happen.

All of that can be with one person at a time, and eventually we reach critical mass and tip the scales into maturity. Humanity gets to move forward. None of us are victims, and it’s no one’s fault. Let that soak in.

It’s worth repeating. None of us are victims, and it’s no one’s fault.

I’m able to say that in spite of knowing about atrocities that humanity has committed. Atrocities which can so easily be labeled as inhuman. Atrocities that I prefer to not even mention publicly. I question why such things were allowed, but all I can do is take care of my own response.

If we treat those victimizers as they have treated others, humanity will be delayed in its advance onwards and upwards. A proper response can be tricky, but it is possible — whatever it is. I’m only glad that such decisions are not up to me. I have enough trouble taking care of myself properly.

For those I have yelled at, please forgive me. If I really knew myself and if I really knew you, I wouldn’t have reflected out my pain in such a way. I would have been gentle about it. I wouldn’t have reacted. I would have responded instead.

I would have known that you didn’t intend to cause me pain. I’m so much bigger than my pain, both real and imagined. I would have seen both of us as a creator. I would have known that my reaction would cause you pain, and I would have been able to do what is best for both of us.

For whatever triggered me, please forgive me. I am not a victim. I am a creator. It is no one’s fault, and no one is a victim. I love you. I bless you. Peace be upon you.

For Yelling and for Being Yelled at, I Forgive Myself

I forgive you, you forgive me, and I forgive myself.

I’ve placed myself in the role of victim and in the role of victimizer. Neither one of those has been enjoyable. Both roles have been inauthentic. Those roles are painful, among other reasons, because they are a lie. I’m not really like that.

I am not a victim, and I am not a victimizer. I am a creator.

That’s what ultimately snaps humanity out of its collective immaturity. As we realize and remember that we are creators, we let go of the victimhood and the victimizing. We let go of the lies, and we embrace the reality of who we are. We are all creators.

I’m a fan of humanity. I am.

I’ve gone to the depths of despair. I’ve seen myself as worthless. I’ve thought the worst of myself, and I’ve sensed humanity right there with me in the darkness. I’ve been depressed, and I haven’t seen the hope. My eyes were covered, and my ears were plugged. My hands were tied, and so were my feet. My mouth was covered, and I was wide asleep.

But I’ve kept coming back. Back awake again.

I’ve seen the future. I’ve been to the promised land. I’ve seen the value in myself and in others. I’ve seen humanity right there with me in the brightness. Full of love. Made of love. Being aware that love is all there is. I’ve been so happy, and I’ve seen actual reality. My eyes uncovered, my ears unplugged. My hands and feet untied. My mouth uncovered. And I am wide awake.

What are we creating?

A blessed world where the most vulnerable among us are safe. A world of love and hope and dreams come true. A world for me and for you. We belong. We are worthy. We are mature. We forgive. We respond. We love. We empower.

And it all starts right here, right now.

For yelling and for being yelled at, I forgive myself. If I really knew myself, I wouldn’t have allowed any of that to happen. But as painful as it’s been, it’s been a catalyst. I wouldn’t wish the pain and the circumstances on anyone, but it all still happened. And I get to make something positive from all that.

I have that choice.

I love me. I bless me. Peace be upon me.

You didn’t intend to cause me pain, and I didn’t intend to cause you pain. We are so much bigger than our pain, both real and imagined. We are creators. What greatness will we create now that we remember who we are?

We can do what is best for all of us — whatever that is.

What Does the Gentler Way Look Like?

I’ve tested this one out, and I found that it does work. It does defuse tense situations.

We don’t have to yell, and there is a gentler way. What does the gentler way look like?

I love you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you.

I love you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you.

I love you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you.

I’ve repeated those statements here to show that they can sometimes work best when they’re stated more than once. Those four statements are referred to as the ho’oponopono prayer. I recommend that you say the prayer mentally and verbally every day. It’s a healing prayer, and it helps make loving connections possible.

Conclusion

Forgiveness is available. Forgiveness for yelling and forgiveness for being yelled at. Forgiveness helps create a greater life. We can move beyond victimhood and the blame game. We can move on from being infants to being adults. There are no victims, and it’s no one’s fault.

I love you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you.

If you have anything to share about progress you’ve made with forgiveness and healing in your own life, then please let me know in the comments section below. I welcome hearing from you.

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Until next time,

James Barnett

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2 thoughts on “What’s With All the Yelling? There Is a Gentler Way”

  1. Thank you so much for this article, James! I completely agree that yelling doesn’t solve anything and only makes a bad situation worse. I live in a very expressive family, and unfortunately, they like to yell a lot, though it’s not my cup of tea. (I will continue to love them and pray for them.)

    I feel that many people resort to yelling because they have made a mistake, don’t want to admit that they’ve made a mistake, and instead of asking for forgiveness and ending the dispute right then and there, they’d rather trick the other person into thinking that he or she has done something wrong, which WON’T work.

    Why can’t we all just say “I’m sorry” and get along? Haha. Great read! God bless you!

    1. Thank you very much, C.N., for your comment! I’ve seen yelling referred to as a type of violence. You’re very accurate about why people yell. They don’t want to admit they made a mistake, and instead of apologizing, they want the other person to apologize… It all gets very twisted, and I can’t help but see yelling as a form of childishness. Without yelling, I expect that there would be space for a lot more mature, adult conversations. Here’s to peaceful, non-violent, respectful, loving communication. God bless you, too!

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